“I think I’d like to try biofeedback.”
“Fido, that is SO 90s.”
“But I’d still like to try it. I am, to put it simply, a wreck!”
“Gosh Fido, I had no idea. You look OK to me and you seem to be sleeping all right, and your diet seems to be right on target.”
“Verily,” Fido said, “but I dissemble.”
We were out on the deck earlier this week, and I had no idea what the problem could be. The temperature was warm, and there was a lovely breeze that made the pines purr. I was about to read Fido a chapter from our latest book.
“Dogs aren’t like people,” Fido said. “We feed on whatever your emotions are. We become one.”
“Go on, Fido.”
Fido sat on his haunches and sighed.
“First of all, I am eager for cool weather. Who turned on the heat, anyway?”
“It’s October in California, Big Boy. This happens more times than not. The snow will come, along with the cold temperatures, and you’ll be more comfortable, I promise.”
“And there are the races,” Fido said. “I don’t even know what to think about these races.”
“Fido, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“All I know is that when you listen to the radio on your iPhone, people are talking about racing these things called pennants, and it makes you jumpy, and that makes me jumpy, too.”
“Aw, Fido, that’s sweet, you old red lug. They’re talking about baseball! When you win something in baseball, you get a triangle flag to keep forever, and that’s called a pennant. Since April, baseball players have been racing each other to get a pennant.”
Fido shrugged. “I would still like to try biofeedback,” Fido said.
“Well, I haven’t even thought about biofeedback since about ‘92,” I said, “but I’ll look it up.”
Sure enough, I found a website about dog biofeedback. It was called mymassagetherapist.biz.
“OK, Fido, here’s what they say: ‘Biofeedback is a technology that scans your body physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually (much like a virus scan on a computer) detecting the physical and emotional stresses related to the 10,000 most common stress factors, from everyday allergies to chronic illness.
“’The system then delivers balancing frequencies back to your pet’s body to correct these.’”
“Doesn’t that sound great?” Fido said. “I know a few pals on the Hound Council who could use this biofeedback stuff. Talk about stress!”
“Fido, my malarkey radar is going off.”
Fido lay on the deck with a dopey-mopey face.
“Hey, I have an idea,” I said. “Why don’t we go for a walk, huh?”
Fido perked right up.
“Hey hey hey hey!” he yelped.
When we got back, I gave him a big hug around his neck.
“I feel better now,” he said. “Maybe biofeedback wasn’t such a good idea.”
“On the other hand,” I said, “the playoffs are just beginning.”